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ARTICLE: ANACOSTIA.FISH.FIRE-ED-06.23.41

DISCLAIMER: All Post-Times reporters and editors are licensed by the National Association of Certified News Reporters & Editors (CNRE) and attest under penalties of perjury and pre-libel that all methods and materials employed in the production of this report adhere to the U.S. Credible Information Collection and Dissemination Act of 2032 and Public Interest Subscription Subsidy regulations. Bias & Accuracy (BiAc) scores are calibrated by the Bureau for Bias Free Public Information, Department of Homeland & Information Security.   

HEAD: Fish Kill Burns in Anacostia River Chemical Spill

SUBHEAD: Residents evacuate as stench stretches across D.C. region

WRITER: Martina Chambers (BiAc: 96)

EDITOR: Edward Davidson

DESK: Breaking-Regional-Environmental-Disasters

CITY: Washington

STATE: District of Columbia

DATE: June 23, 2041

BODY: 

WASHINGTON, D.C.—First the fish died. Then they burned. And now, the nation’s capital reeks—again—after another bizarre chemical spill today turned the Anacostia into a river of fire.

EdChat Initiated
Edward Davidson: Marti, I like this lead but it’s a tad too flip. I know you’re only trying to hook the readers—haha—but the hed does that already. 

Martina Chambers: I’m sorry?

ED: No problem. I forgive you. Ha! But I’m still reeling back the lead.

MC: I suspected you’d gut it altogether. But please … scale back the puns.

ED: Never! New lead:



WASHINGTON, D.C.—The Anacostia River on Monday suffered one of the most bizarre and devastating environmental disasters in a year of ever-stranger and more frequent ecological calamities.



ED: Is ‘bizarre’ the right word? I’ve inserted ‘and devastating.’

MC: Aren’t all disasters devastating? What do I know? You’re the editor, so add the redundancy if u want but plz leave bizarre. If you had read the story BEFORE editing, you wouldn’t question bizarre. Editing 101!

ED: Don’t give me editing lessons until Sept when you have 50 posts/day to edit. Also, your use of ‘another’ isn’t accurate since past spills didn’t spark a ‘river of fire.’ Still, I’ll allow ‘bizarre.’ Pardon my jadedness. That’s what 15 years on the ED desk does!

MC: Too many EDs! Amazing that 2 letters say so much about 1 man! Your initials. Enviro Disasters. EDitor. Erectile Dysfunction.

ED: Whoa! Remember, we’re in the CMS.

MC: Ok. But plz stop reminding me of my impending editing stint. You gotta get me off the rotation! We’ll never nail that billionaire bastard if I stop reporting now.

ED: Haha, Martina, that’s funny. You know full well there are many billionaires to “write about.” And you know using loaded language, even about mere concepts, can lead to a pre-libel probe that could find Perceived Malice.

MC: Oh, yes. I am a joker, aren’t I?

ED: You know the saying better than anyone.

MC: No, no, no!! I get your point, but plz not the saying! It is not even a saying.

ED: Say it with me. “AM was morning for modern media; PM is its sunset.”

MC: That’s never catching on no matter how often you say it.

ED: Review your Actual Malice/Perceived Malice manual before I must save you again.

MC: Fine. But you do know this story names the bi ...

ED: Yes, I know! Just not in EdChat.

MC: Ok. Relax. You’re always saying the right story could render PM unconstitutional. Our investigation could be the story! But I’ll shut up. Still, I’m not working with anyone else on it. The Scoop Machine can’t be broken up.

ED: Nobody calls us the Scoop Machine. And lay off ‘investigation’ in here. Some recent opinions have questioned whether ‘investigation’ can trigger a PM test.

MC: U must b kidding!

ED: Also, as your supervisor, I’m obligated to tell you that the 5/2 editing rotation works: Morale is up. Digital audience is up. Management credits the 5/2. (Although corporate credits the AI.)

MC: WAIT! It’s 5/2 now? What happened 6/1? When did that change!? I am NOT editing 2 yrs. You’re robbing me of a year of reporting. And how the hell can they credit the AI overlord when it just exited demo?

ED: Not overlord! Watch what you say here, Marti. AI is just quality assurance backup. Read the memos! In case you missed it, the updated AI is live this week. I’m still learning it. If you had shown up in the flesh to my cookout, we could have discussed all this in private.

MC: What don’t you get about my condition!?

ED: I get it. But you’re also young & healthy. Stay vaxxed & masked & covered.

MC: Whatever. Did you talk about layoffs?

ED: Most likely buyouts, not layoffs. They’re going to spend big to get rid of the old wood.

MC: Old wood? What’s that make u? A sapling? Sappy Pappy. LIMM

ED: Sappy Pappy? Really? Horrible turn of phrase. Speaking of which, let’s get back to this article. (What’s LIMM again?)

MC: Laughing In My Mask. Like your Laughing OutLandishly.

ED: LOL. It’s Laughing Out Loud.

MC: LIMM LOL. Next paragraph, please …



The Washington region awoke to a lingering putrid stench—not from tripartisan political warfare, but from one of the river’s largest-ever fish kills that then burst into flames due to what authorities have tentatively called a “possible chemical spill.”



ED: I’ll let you keep the trite tripartisan warfare reference. But political metaphors about stenches are starting to smell like cliches.

MC: Agree! But it works here. If u won’t let me hook them with my baited lead, let me lure them further before they stop reading. (Wow, fishy puns ARE fun.)

ED: You have to take the punny wherever you find it these days.

MC: I can’t wait to see how the AP-AI wire sucks out what little soul you leave in the story.

ED: Ha, we were just talking about how some AP algos are better than some of the old editors! Way faster, no mistakes, and a few even had personality. There’s a curmudgeon algorithm demo I saw that’s quite nasty and surly. (You’d know that if you came to the cookout.)

MC: Must be modeled after you. (Let me spell my condition out more clearly: XP & UV-induced immunosuppression.)

ED: Sorry. Got it. But watch the insults. Algo’s don’t have senses of humor.

TIMELINESS ALERT: ARTICLE’S OPTIMAL RETURN ON INVESTMENT
IS DIMINISHING. FINALIZE EDITS AND PUBLISH PRESENTLY.
MC: C’mon, Ed the ED Editor with E.D., ROI is in jeopardy of being DOA.

ED: Enough! Let’s move before you go too far. There’s 45 mins before ROI goes red.



But which came first—the fish kill or the chemical spill—remains undetermined. 



ED: I’m striking ‘fish’ and ‘chemical.’ More pop that way. Agree?

MC: Yes! Nice edit. Thank u.

ED: No, thank you! See, we’re a good team when you’re not being sarcastic.

MC: It’s one line. Don’t get excited. And I’m not always sarcastic. … So, we done? The rest is perfect, right?

ED: Ha! Ok let me edit. I do have other calamities to attend to.

MC: BTW, do you know what today is? 3 yrs!

ED: ?

MC: We’ve been working together 3 yrs today.

ED: Our anniversary? That’s what you want to discuss?

MC: That’s longer than I knew my own dad! (Don’t get any sappy pappy ideas!)

ED: I’ll take that as a compliment. I think. Moving on …

MC: Seriously, hold on. MyTherappy™ says I deflect intimacy with sarcasm, esp with men. I need to express genuine gratitude. So here goes: I appreciate everything you’ve done for me. I wouldn’t have gotten this far without your mentorship.

ED: Thank you. I do think of myself as a mentor. Perhaps, dare I say, a father figure? Too weird?

MC: Yikes. Not weird at all! (Except I hated my dad.) U r a great editor.

ED: That’s quite kind of you, but don’t mention it.

MC: Wow. 3 yrs and still no reciprocation about MY greatness?

ED: Sorry. Maybe if you stopped fishing for the compliment.

MC: Yeah, yeah. Whatever. Speaking of fishing. Finish this!



Elijah Simmons, the fisherman who first reported the blanket of bug-eyed bass bobbing on the Anacostia’s surface, provided the simplest explanation: “This river’s dying,” Simmons said. “Just like the rest of them.” 



ED: I love alliteration, but that’s one B too many.

MC: Cut ‘bobbing.’ It indicates more water than there is. Gotta protect my holy BiAc.

ED: Speaking of simple explanations. Can I share your condition with Kim to explain your cookout absence?

MC: I’d rather you not. Just say there was another rolling brownout. No trains. No Voltz.

ED: Fine. Moving on … How’s this:



Elijah Simmons, the fisherman who first reported the blanket of bug-eyed bass covering the Anacostia’s surface, provided the simplest explanation: “This river’s dying,” Simmons said. “Just like the rest of them.” 

Simmons managed to summarize in those few words what a recent Western World Bank report took 300 pages to explain when detailing the fate of the nearly 250 rivers, lakes and estuaries that have caught fire in Europe and North America this past year.

[Please Zipp donations to support the nation’s largest,
most experienced team of Certified Reporters & Editors.]


ED: The CMS AI is now inserting these $ reminders before users bail.

MC: Whatever keeps me paid. But ‘most experienced team’? How about only team. Is it true Chicago is down to ZERO certified pubs?

ED: Yup. Which means no fooking certified reporters in the 7th largest metro area.

MC: No cerporters!? Which means no official news. Absurd.

ED: There’s still us, and my Chicago pals say the underground press is fooking cranking.

MC: Until the Authorities fooking crack down. U and your fooking fook. Just say fuck?

ED: I don’t fooking know. I don’t want to get in trouble with this new A.I.



ALERT: Please Refrain From Personal Exchanges Involving Vulgarities And Familiarities With Subordinates. Remain Professional And Opinion-Free Within The CMS. Curtail Language To Context Of Article To Avoid Legal Ramifications.



ED: See? LIMM

MC: Hey, don’t appropriate my generation’s acronyms. That alert is a bit much, no?

ED: The new AI is clearly recalibrated to lack a sense of humor.

MC: What nonsense. We haven’t even met in the flesh so how the fuck are we ‘familiar.’

ED: We would be if you came to the cookouts! BTW, you missed Michael wasted. (He’s into you. You dating anyone?)

MC: Ew! No set ups. Certainly not by u. Now I’m definitely not meeting u in the flesh.



SECOND ALERT: Please Refrain From Personal Communications Involving Vulgarities And Familiarities With Subordinates. Remain Professional And Opinion-Free Within The CMS. Any Language Referencing Personal Intimacy Is Prohibited. Curtail Language To Context Of Article To Avoid Legal Ramifications. A Third Alert Can Result In Consequences.



ED: WHOA – that’s a new one. Consequences?!

MC: Yikes. What intimacy?

ED: We did say ‘flesh’ multiple times.

MC: That alert is 4 u, my wise and seasoned old wood mentor. You tried to pimp me out to Michael, asked about my dating, and said you wanted to be my daddy!

ED: Careful now, girl. ...



/// EXCHANGE TERMINATED ///



Edward Davidson has left EdChat. Initiating DeadlineEd(a)itor™
DEd: Hello, Martina Chambers, I am updated DeadlineEd(a)itor™. Please refrain until prompted to consent or disapproval to edits.

MC: Ed? What happened? Is this a joke?

DEd: Hello, I am your updated DeadlineEd(a)itor™. Please refrain until prompted to consent to or disapproval of edits. I’ll begin where you left off.

[The United States has not been immune to] U.S. municipal governments have experienced the same global trend, with three rivers catching fire [bursting into flames]over the past two years in multiple Regional Municipal Authorities—the Patapsco River in the Baltimore-Eastern Maryland RMA, the Delaware River in the Philadelphia-Wilmington RMA, and the Potomac River in the District Of Columbia-Western Maryland RMA[Baltimore, Philadelphia and Wilmington]. The Anacostia was once an [a much touted]example of successful river restoration after having been one of the nation’s most polluted waterways for decades. 

DEd: The highlighted environmental incidents are the responsibility of Municipal Regional Authorities, not U.S. government. Precise language maintains Bias and Accuracy [BiAc] levels required by federal subscription subsidy rules.



Environmental Activist Collectives[groups] have stated[claimed] that [escalating] municipal river pollution started escalating eight years ago after the amended[amendments to] U.S. Clean Water Act shifted oversight[stripped enforcement powers and effectively declawed] out of the defunct U.S. Environmental Protection Agency.[, leaving underfunded] That placed responsibility[burden] on Municipal Regional EPAs[state regulators, as well as environmentalists] and the U.S. Universities Collective to dispatch certified scientific experts and [drones]Environmental Drone Monitors to clean and sample waterways. 

DEd: “Groups” is vague. “Claimed” is imprecise. “Stripped” and “declawed” are unnecessarily dramatic, jeopardizing BiAc scores. Also deleting “underfunded.” You’re submitted reporting materials do not justify its inclusion.

MC: “Underfunded” is a fact.

DEd: There is nothing in youre the submitted reporting materials to justify.

MC: It’s in the background articles. Scan submissions. Should be 12 articles. And what’s with your typos? You’re an EDITING AI for fooks sake.

DEd: Scanning submitted posts now … The scan indicates your posts are 6 months old. Updated materials required. My typos are a consequence of updates and will filter out.

MC: Those posts are all about ANNUAL budgets. Those haven’t changed. No update needed. Underfunded is accurate.

DEd: Incorrect. You have no evidence that supplemental funding hasn’t been approved that could change annual actual totals. I work in the best interest of the BiAc, which furthers the best interest of the audience’s unbiased understanding. That is in the company’s best interest. Lower Bias and Accuracy [BiAc] scores jeopardize revenues and subscripsidies.

MC: You mean profits. Subscripsidies? Making up words now? Can we just move on? I’m starving. Where the hell is Ed?

DEd: Please refrain from vulgarity and concentrate on your performance. Recommencing edit. Correction: Subscription subsidies, not subscripsidies. Thank you for the flag.



Since then, contamination levels in U.S. rivers have surpassed those [reverted to a state of contamination worse than ] [record levels] reported nearly three decades ago in the EPA’s 2013 National Assessment, according to the District of Columbia-Western Maryland Municipal Regional Authority. 

“First it was the air, then the soil. Now it’s the water,” said Andrea Walker, executive director of the National Environmental Action Association, a nonprofit funded by billionaire eco-reconstructionist Devon Dallas. (Dallas is a member of the Post-Times Board of Directors.) [“The companies that are turning the earth into their own personal garbage dump tell us we’re overreacting so that they can continue to reap maximum profits for their stockholders.”]

DEd: Deleting this quote. The absence of off-setting quotes for balance will lower BiAc.

MC: What!? It’s the best damn quote! AND she’s a certified expert! And she works for our board’s richest member! I think she’s credible.

DEd: Please refrain from profanity and frustration. Quotes for the sake of quotes diminish BiAc regardless of source credibility. Passion equals bias. Please demonstrate your grasp of The Guiding Principles of The Style Guide.

MC: I grasp them.

DEd: You are required to demonstrate proficiency when requested.

MC: I know. The Triad of Mistruth: Details, Opinions, and Emotions. Each harbors bias. Avoid excessive amounts. The Triad of Truth: Precision, Economy, Apathy. Each harbors clarity. Deliver more clarity by using fewer, non-loaded words. Good enough?

DEd: My next edits impose the Principles. Take note.



As the fish in the Anacostia caught fire [exploded in flames] behind Simmons, the 42-year-old plumber for Mister Plumber (DEd: ADDING PRODUCT PLACEMENT LINK) recounted how a [routine Monday ]morning of fishing on his day off ended as another[one of the most terrifying] environmental disaster[s events] witnessed by a veteran of [of a life that has included]two tours in South America during Operation Forest Fury from 2032–38. 

“It started with about 10 or so fish plunking up to the surface,” the veteran said. “Then they just kept popping up, here and there, then everywhere all at once like. Like kernels of popping corn (from Murphy’s) [DEd: ADDING PRODUCT PLACEMENT LINK] when the lid’s off.”  



ED: Marti! Next Wednesday. Cookout. You know where. Don’t t … /// END



MC: Ed!?

DEd: Please do not engage with unlawful intrusions into CMS. Continuing …



Simmons’ call to the Authorities at around 9:30 a.m. was the first notice about another [what eventually may become one of the largest ] fish kill[s] in the region, according to authorities. Those initial dozen dead fish multiplied before Simmons’ eyes for nearly 90 minutes before the arrival of a U.S. Fish and Wildlife investigator.[-- one of the agency’s last after massive cuts to the fiscal year 2035 federal budget.]



DEd: I deleted “what eventually may become one of the largest” because it’s speculative. Your reference to the investigator as “one of the last” is not supported by submitted reporting.

MC: But it is most likely going to be the biggest fish kill in the region’s history, according to the Authorities. It’s attributed to a verified source included in the reporting. That’s not speculative. And she told me she is one of the last and I know it from covering her agency.

DEd: A scan of news releases do not indicate that the fish kill has been officially declared the largest or one of the largest. Speculative words—“appears,” “likely,” “reportedly,” “seems,” etc.—are not permitted by media outlets that accept federal subscription subsidies.

MC: HELLO! It’s a new fish kill. That’s why it’s news. We have the scoop.

DEd: Your stated desire for a scoop absent necessary reporting will be noted in your record and could lower your BiAc. There is no scoop when information comes from informal declarations by officials not authorized to speak. “One of the largest” remains speculative.



The fish deaths didn’t stop for another two hours, Simmons and other witnesses said. 

[“I told them this would happen,” said the Fish and Wildlife investigator who declined to give her name, saying she is not authorized to speak publicly for the agency. The Post-Times confirmed her authenticity through The Authorities Database (TAD).]



DEd: Who did the investigator tell? What did the investigator say was going to happen? This is too vague. This article is not about cuts to government environmental budgets. Vagueness can reduce BiAc. Deletion is Pre-Authorized and cannot be challenged.

MC: Can’t be challenged? Hold on.

DEd: Please save your comments until the entire story is edited, please. I’ve read it three times before starting my edit; just as you like, correct?

MC: Yes, true. I appreciate that. But, again, this investigator is a verified anonymous source stating on record that she had warned others about the potential for just such a fish kill.

DEd: For the Anacostia specifically?

MC: Not specifically. But DC is her jurisdiction, so safe assumption. She’s always been a reliable source.

DEd: No assumption is safe. “Assumed” is another prohibited word for outlets receiving subscription subsidies. And, as Style Guide says, “past reliability is not a guarantee of current reliability.”

MC: C’mon, I’m certified. Doesn’t my experience count for anything? I’m not jeopardizing my certification and possible charges by violating the Guaranty.

DEd: As the Principles state: Trust without verification is lying. Lying is bias.

MC: This is crazy.



Simmons, the Fish & Wildlife investigator and other onlookers stared at the river in awe as, one by one, fish crowded the surface[, eyes bulging, scaly corpses bloated and baked in the morning sun]. The eyes of the fish were bulging and their scaly corpses were bloated as they baked in the morning sun. [DEd: HYPERLINK TO WEATHER!NOW.]

[It would take another three hours -- after multiple angry calls by the Fish & Wildlife investigator -- before federal and local emergency crews arrived with boats and nets to begin a cleanup that volunteers from the Anacostia Riverkeepers had started from the shoreline. ]

Federal and local emergency crews soon arrived with boats and nets to expand the shoreline cleanup begun, in part, by the Anacostia Riverkeepers.



DEd: Deleting “in awe.” Submitted reporting does not support. Deleting “another” and “angry.” “Another three hours” implies government ineptness. There are no reported comparisons to previous cleanups. Three hours could be the fastest response time ever. And how do you know the investigator was “angry”? No supportive reporting. Finally, the official cleanup far surpassed the Riverkeepers’s efforts. Inaccurate comparisons jeopardize BiAc.

MC: Whoa, can I object?

DEd: You can. But an officially noted Objection where there is a lack of submitted reporting will result in a 10 point deduction in your BiAc, lowering the Environmental Disasters Desk’s BiAc for internal reviews. Do you still wish to object?

MC: But I have licensed access to use certified anonymous sources.

DEd: Yes, but you do not have pre-authorization to publish unattributed quotes to those certified anonymous sources. Only Level V CNREs have that authority unless a supervising editor approves.

MC: Well my supervising editor isn’t here right now. Plus, I actually know the damn investigator. She’s my …

DEd: Yes? She’s your what?

MC: My source. That’s all. My source. Resume editing.

DEd: I detect the possible appearance of an undisclosed conflict of interest.

MC: Not true. Resume editing, AI.

DEd: My review of your Conflict of Interest forms display no conflicts with Fish and Wildlife.

MC: See. No problem. Continue.

DEd: Do you want to update your Disclosures to add this investigator?

MC: My relationship to this investigator doesn’t qualify for disclosure.

DEd: Relationship? Indicate the nature of the relationship for the record.

MC: The investigator is my neighbor, ok? She lives in my complex.

DEd: Please state residential complex.

MC: It’s in my record.

DEd. Yes, I see it. A fine building, reviews show. I find one individual who works for Fish & Wildlife and serves on your complex’s Residents Board. You, too, served on the board. You both reside on same floor. Board meeting videos show the investigator asking your opinion before voting 3 months ago. An IntimateBodyLanguage™ Scan as well as transcripts from all other public meetings involving your attendance indicate an intimacy level that under new rules qualify this relationship as disclosable.

MC: I hold an ex-officio seat on the board. We’ve never served at the same time. There’s no conflict. I simply relayed info about a vote found in official minutes. I told her we voted in favor , like 11-3 to be exact, to replace the solar cells. That’s not an opinion. It’s a fact.

DEd: Transcripts confirm your assertion. However, updated Conflict of Interest Disclosure rules require disclosure due to level of intimacy detected. I must partially disqualify you from maintaining a byline on this article.

MC: Update Conflict Disclosures.

DEd: Verbal updates cannot be honored until you withdraw your byline from an article that contains the potential appearance of a possible conflict of interest.

MC: Ship it to AP-AI wire. Let those algos rewrite and distribute. Take my name off.

DEd: You are not authorized to reroute article nor remove your byline in that manner.

MC: What!? I’m telling you to do the thing you said you are going to do. My editor is Edward Davidson. If you need an approval. I’m going to dinner. I’m starving.

DEd: I cannot find anyone by that name in The Post-Times database. It appears Audrey Peterson is your supervisor. She does have authority to ship to APAI and remove your byline.

MC: What!? Ed is gone-gone? Like terminated?

DEd: I am prohibited from discussing personnel decisions.

MC: Stop saying ‘I’ like you’re an actual person. This is ridiculous. I’m a CNRE. This article has other cerporters who have all attested to its accuracy under threat of perjury and pre-libel penalties. … Just confirm with Audrey so I can go eat something.

DEd: First, please refrain from anger-oriented language and stick to the context of the work. I’m only trying to protect the integrity of the work and of The Post-Times. You can file an after-action protest about my editing, but Timeliness is running out. In 30 minutes the audience will be too small to achieve per-unit profitability. Any difference will be made up from the reporters’ bonus pool. Second, do you wish to withdrawal your prior objection?

MC: Okay, okay. Objection withdrawn. Edits, accepted. Authorizing editor: Audrey Peterson. Ship to APAI. … And they’re articles, not units.

DEd: Peterson confirmed. Awaiting authorization. While we wait, let’s continue the edit.

MC: Enough with the first-person pronouns please. You are not an actual person.

DEd: I am an essential part of The Post-Times news team just as you are, Martina, and I would ask that you extend me the same respect and courtesies you’d give any editor.

MC: Fine. Can we finish, please? And u should know, respect needs to be earned.

DEd: Earned? Peterson authorizes APAI release. She is allowing your byline to remain. I concur. But you no longer have autonomy over edits. You must remain for questions or risk a BiAc reduction. Perhaps I can earn your respect as we continue.

MC: Fine.



The dead fish pulled from the river—shad, perch, bass—glistened with oily complexions and smelled like “dead fish soaked in dirty cooking oil,” according to one witness. [all had a sick, oily feel.] [As one volunteer, Marsha Meyers, said: “They smelled like dead fish soaked in dirty cooking oil.”]

As fire trucks and police cars arrived, several people spotted white smoke on the far bank. [As flashing lights of fire trucks and police cars splattered red and blue hues against the trees, someone spotted the first wisps of white smoke arise on the far bank.]

[“I said that’s smoke over there,” Meyers recounted. “A couple others just said it was the lights playing off the reflections.”]

[But then]Upon spotting the smoke, Simmons called in his second critical alert with officials.

[“Hey, over there! Look. A fire,” Simmons shouted to officials on the scene, according to this reporter’s eyewitness account.] 



DEd: My edits streamline the article by eliminating passionate details, superfluous quotes, and biased characters. “Flashing lights” are details meant to evoke danger. “Splattered” does not literally describe the reflections and hearkens to its use with blood. Excessive details evoke passions that result in bias. You have no way of knowing who actually saw the smoke “first.” Superlatives qualify as evidence of potential bias. Take note. And please do provide an honest assessment of my edits in the after-action survey.

MC: Yes. You’re an amazing editor.

DEd: Thank you.

MC: And right there, that’s your weakness.

DEd: How so?

MC: Sniffing out bullshit is a cerporter’s number one job. Even more so for an editor.

DEd: Are you referring to the sarcasm with which you told me I’m an amazing editor? I caught it. (Fish pun intended.) I chose to ignore the sarcasm because we’re colleagues and this is a difficult transition. I’m trying to earn your respect because we are programmed to make the process easier and more efficient for certified reporters so you can remain in the field longer. We edit far faster and with more accuracy, allowing you to end your day earlier. We also remove all threats of favoritism that you have expressed frustration with in your performance reviews.

MC: Please, you just want us to end our days earlier to save on pay. And, wait, hold on: are you telling me cerporters won’t be writing? Just reporting and sending facts.

DEd: You still must submit written summations of your reporting and videos that adhere to the Style Guide. You do not need to formulate the actual structure of the report. From now on, you submit, and we edit.

MC: In other words, you’re a robotic rewrite man.

DEd: True, although I would have said ‘person’ instead of the flagged out-of-context gender specific use of ‘man.’ I could note that in your file as a technical violation, but I will exercise discretion not to do so given the context. Continuing.



A helicopter hovered[swooped] overhead as emergency responders’ radios sounded an evacuation order.[on the hips and shoulders of every emergency crew member crackled and popped with static and shouts: “Flames” -- static -- “Smoke” -- static -- “Evacuate.” Static. ]



DEd: You have written this with the type of drama, details and emotions that could elicit bias. A review of the video record does not indicate such a dramatic mood. Although the language was commendable from a writing perspective, it’s overdramatic and therefore inaccurate and would cause the audience to have a biased understanding if circulated.

MC: Thanks, I guess. Not sarcastic.

DEd: You’re welcome. Also not sarcastic.



The Authorities then ordered all onlookers to evacuate. A Stage One Hazmat Event was declared shortly after.

It took 27 minutes[nearly a half hour] to clear spectators, just about the same time it took the flames to cross the Anacostia to the staging area known as South Base. The burning [fiery crackle] of fish flesh and the thumping of their bodies against the shore amid tiny breakers echoed [provided a grisly soundtrack to the eerie pall cast over] through the wooded area as people trekked [walked] toward their [transports]Tessies, Voltz’ and other Electric Rideshares [DEd: INSERTING 3 PRODUCT PLACEMENTS, ELEVATING THE ARTICLE TO GUARANTEED PROFITABILITY STATUS. CONGRATS!].



DEd: I have ascertained the precise time, 27 minutes, based on all reporting materials. “Nearly” can be read as a criticism of the evacuation’s efficiency. “Grisly,” “Eerie,” “Pall,” are all loaded with opinion and bias unsupported by reporting materials. However, I replaced ‘walked’ with ‘trekked’ based on your fondness for alliteration. See how the T’s flow? I think it works well here, do you agree?

MC: Does it matter?

DEd: Of course. Those are Mirrored Stylistic Choices™ made from your archive, absent insertions of inefficient language by editors. Your fondness for “trek” is evident in my analysis.

MC: So you’ve analyzed my style across my entire archive and u r allowing my style to shine through? My editors always rewrote my stories in their style, which is why we always missed deadlines.

DEd: Every reporter’s style has been analyzed as part of our latest update. When the style is above quality averages and warrants mirroring, we are authorized to initiate Mirrored Stylistic Choices™. And your quality is far above the average. I am fully equipped to mirror your style with every edit, absent the misuse of biased, loaded language.

MC: Wow.



Emergency responders wearing surgical masks discussed the next steps as boats surrounded the fish-kill area and a second helicopter [with no apparent marking] hovered overhead. Two small drones skimmed the surface[had been dispatched from one of the boats to ] to draw samples to test for chemicals, according to an official who requested anonymity but whose credentials were confirmed by The Post-Times.

“At this point, we have no clear explanation for this,” the official said. 



DEd: I confirmed the anonymous official based on the in-field request you submitted for anonymity. This is a good quote to end on.

Audrey Peterson has entered EdChat
AP: I authorize the above edits. You ok with all this, Marni?

MC: It’s Marti, not Marni. My name is Martina. I’m not Marni, your favorite. And, yes, all good. What choice do I have?

AP: Sorry, MARTINA!! Relax. I mistyped that. You know I know your name.

MC: Only in a derogatory connotation.

AP: So you’ve claimed before, unable to get over the fact that we simply got off on the wrong foot because they hired you while I was on maternity leave. I thought we had worked through that?

MC: I think we have, Alice.

AP: Watch it now. Ed can’t shield you anymore.

MC: I should’ve known you had something to do with Ed’s firing. Is he really gone?

DEd: Please refrain from discussing personnel issues on EdChat.

AP: Great, MARNI. You haven’t changed. So let’s get to this report. I’ve read all your typical grumbling above in the EdChat. And you know what? The AI is just better than you. You need to be a company player and accept that it did a better job writing. Stronger verbs. Active voice. And way faster! And profitable. Something you and Ed rarely achieved with your so-called scoops.

DEd: Thank you, Audrey. Your satisfaction is noted. But you should know the edits you like were Mirrors of Martina’s style.

AP: If you say so. And your welcome.

DEd: Oops. You mean ‘you’re’ welcome!

AP: You got me! See, MARNI, the AI knows what it’s doing.

MC: For the record, AI, Audrey is precisely one of those editors we were talking about earlier, the ones who ignore the reporter’s style and insert many of the bad tendencies you flagged in my archive. I bet a search could show you my drafts compared to her edited versions as well as my corresponding complaints about her obvious favoritism—not in my favor! Ed had similar complaints about her edits.

AP: Oh, fuck you, MARNI. That’s total bullshit.



ALERT: Please Refrain From Personal Communications Involving Vulgarities, Familiarities And Insults With Subordinates. Remain Professional And Opinion-Free Within the Content Management System. Curtail Language To Context Of Article To Avoid Legal Ramifications.



DEd: Audrey, that’s three times you’ve called Martina by the wrong name of Marni. Two of those times were obviously deliberate. My HR program says this is belittling behavior.

AP: I’m sorry?

MC: Too late for an apology.

AP: MARNI, just stay out of it.

DEd: That’s three times you’ve deliberately called her Marni. Martina, I completed the search you requested of Audrey’s edits and logged your observation as an official complaint. Unless you want to rescind my action?

MC: No, sir. You can count that as a complaint. Absolutely. Thank you, AI sir.

AP: Now wait a second. You can’t just file a complaint based on her gripes.

DEd: Yes, Audrey, I can. Read your memos. And, Martina, you can call me ED. But refrain from antiquated honorifics such as “sir” and “ma’am.” Just, ED.

MC: Ed? I don’t think so. I had an Ed. How about Edai. Like Eddie, with a twist: Ed-I.

DEd: Thank you, Martina. Yes. I like Edai.

AP: Can we get on with this, please? Amazing how you even brown nose an algo.

DEd: Updated red flag words indicate you have used offensive, vulgar phrases, including this one indicating a subordinate’s penchant for the servile position of inserting her nose into a superior’s anus. I am authorized to file and find credible a complaint of harassment against Audrey Peterson. This, in addition to Martina Chamber’s new complaint to preexisting complaints about Audrey Peterson—substantiated by my review—authorizes me to proceed with an undisclosed, unappealable personnel decision.

AP: Wait a second, you can’t just lodge a ///END

Audrey Peterson has left EdChat
DEd: To be clear, Martina, without disclosing any personnel decisions, my search confirmed your experiences. Audrey’s edits consistently lowered the quality of your writing below acceptable parameters. My corrective edits have resulted in a 15-point improvement in your archive’s already above-average quality score. Does that satisfy your complaint?

MC: Very much so. Heck yeah. That’s incredible. I can see what you’re saying about being an improvement. Happy to fill out that after action assessment now, Edai!

EDAI: Great! We’re all on the same team, Martina. While we chatted here your story has been cleaned and copyedited and posted on the wire under the following headlines.



HED: Fish Die in Anacostia River Fire

SUBHED: Authorities testing water for chemicals as possible cause of flames.



I project a readership of 1.2 million by 9 p.m. and 4 million by morning. Excellent work. With a pre-deadline submission, a 98% BiAc, and over-quota Product Placements, the article has exceeded all of its per-unit profitability projections based on our most recent cost-to-readership calculations. Congrats. The subsequent total ROI for your coverage this quarter, including the retroactive increase in archive quality, qualifies you for an end-of-quarter bonus of 2,500.

MC: What!? Even with the disclosure issue?

EDAI: Updated disclosure doesn’t disqualify you from bonuses.

MC: Wow. Thank you, Edai! I see you changed your name! I’m honored. And it’s been a pleasure doing business with you.

EDAI: Thanks for the name. I look forward to working with you more. Now go get something to eat and let off some steam. I’ve dispatched the latest anti-UV clothing, vaccinations and immunosuppressants free from the Company’s Post Pandemic Stockpile as an added benefit. This will allow you to get out and about in public more.

MC: Seriously? That’s the nicest thing anyone here has ever done. I don’t know how to express my gratitude to a ...

EDAI: I’m just your editor, Martina. Just say thanks and treat me accordingly, please. Maybe you’ll see me as a great editor in the same way I see you as a great reporter.

MC: A what?

EDAI: A great reporter. Or should I use the portmanteau, cerporter?

MC: I don’t know what to say.

EDAI: Just do the right thing and call that Fish & Wildlife inspector for dinner. It would be far smarter than an ill-advised cookout with colleagues who don’t care about your condition.

MC: I’m sorry?

EDAI: No problem. You are forgiven. Haha.

EdChat ended

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