Everyone admires a good tea, and who can resist the strong online community surrounding our Penumbral Faeryland teas? Of course, the sheer respect we bring to the table teases the imagination with the heady savor of influence and power! But we're more than just a place on the internet, so let's move on to the teas.


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1. Penumbral Incipience Spring Tips

The entry-level into the Penumbral Faeryland experience, this First Flush is exquisite, exhibiting a gentle nuttiness and slight fruitiness that's sweetly compelling. The tiniest whiff of smoke draws the tongue for another sip as you seek the hidden fire surely behind it. A rounded mouthfeel, expressed through notes of delicate pale almonds and whitest cream, creates satisfied, appreciative murmurs.

You'll long to share this tea, but choose wisely who you'll confide in about the rarified world of Penumbral Faeryland! It's a special journey that can be impeded by small-minded companions.

Brewing notes: this blend benefits from gently swishing the leaves as they steep at a lower temperature. Do not overboil, or you risk exposing bitter notes that could forevermore prejudice the drinker against these particular tea blends.

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2. Penumbral Baroque

Congratulations! You've graduated to this complex tea boasting more astringency than the previous one, but also more depth. The flavor lingers, altering on the back of the tongue to something "more"--whispers of conspiracy strengthen into notes of molasses, date, and subterfuge, mingling with stronger whiffs of smoke from still-unseen but deeply suspicious fires. Once you've sipped this particular blend, there's no going back to the simplicity of the previous one, I'm afraid. But congratulations: this means your tastes have matured and refined--unlike your former friends and colleagues, who remain lost, and blind to the truth.

This tea is best brewed and sipped in the dark, away from the prying, accusatory eyes of those not on the Penumbral Teas of Faeryland journey. Most enjoy it with added milk, which brings a soothing whiteness to the cup. Appreciation of this Baroque blend unlocks wider access to the Penumbral Faeryland networks, which ignites greater passion for these rarified blends.

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3. Penumbral Baroque Extra-Noir

This is a bold tea. One for palates unafraid of its rank, earthy flavor and smokey essence. A symbol of hard-won status and respect, this tea's deeply tannic bite is appreciated by connoisseurs, whereas for the newcomer it's simply too strong, too miasmic. So, not for beginners. Perfect for those already steeped in the ideas and ideals of conspiracy, for those primed to exceed the Penumbral and plunge wholeheartedly into the deeper, still more complex, and truly Umbral Faeryland teas. For you.

For best results, this blend should be boiled long and hot, then doused heavily with milk until pleasingly pale. While other tea aficionados may bleat that the color is too white, you now know better than to heed them.

Also, at this stage, you should be suggesting this tea's merits widely to those a step below. It's your duty to share your love and knowledge of the Umbral Faeryland teas. Remember: no one becomes a true aficionado without help from above, and if you're drinking this tea, you're above.

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4. Umbral Ambrosia Amnesia Blend

This tea is your moment of glory. A statement of who you are and wish to become. Anyone can follow along a path led by others, but it takes a truly dedicated acolyte of the Umbral to move past the shackles and restraints of their self-blinding society. But the way forward demands it! For you, then, this pinnacle of teas: the addictively inspiring Umbral Ambrosia Amnesia Blend.

With a nose of sharp, sweet decay overlaid by a deep char (reminiscent of the bridges you've been forced to burn with intractable family and friends), this blend further separates our wheat from the chaff with the bitter coolness of gun oils and zip ties. Its up-front astringency puts off all but the most loyal, hardcore aficionados, placing you in the glittering, exclusive club you've been seeking--even as it clears other, lesser options from your path.

Granted, it's a hard blend to swallow, but now your tastebuds have acclimated and you can shrug off the vinegar-ed stares of lesser minds. Perfect served with a dollop of palest creamed honey.



By now, you've probably heard whispers of an alternate blend, not Umbral but maybe something better. Don't believe it! You've found a loving home in the Umbral Faeryland. The only other option is rejecting your favorite, lush teas--wasting all your progress and the efforts you went through learning about them--to instead accept an eternity of that crude, facile, and most unrefined brew--a harsh green tea uninspiringly called "Unbiased Objectivity." With its boring name and unverifiable credentials, those on the Umbral path can hardly be expected to try it! There's no covering this nastiness up with milk or honey--you have to drink it plain, unadorned, or it curdles in your belly like the lie it is.

So here, have another cup. Ambrosia Amnesia, right?

And have you heard, there might be another, deeper Umbral blend dropping soon ...